Loss

Today marks the first anniversary of the death of my beloved aunt.  I've been all at sea recently - unable to concentrate etc., and I ascribed this to a combination of fatigue and a nascent heavy cold.  It's like my brain is shorting-out at times; ideas flit hither and yon.  It's as if I'm a spectator to my own thoughts.  I think now that this confusion is probably a consequence of grief.  I'd forgotten the anniversary was due until my mother reminded me.  I've been feeling a lot of rage as well as the distraction.  This is how I felt when she died; my mind is reliving the memory.

This illustrates the importance of expressing grief.  I don't - can't actually - do this.  I get the initial wave - the tears, and the anger as I say.  But then when I'm on the cusp of letting it all out, I close up.  A bit of emotional scar tissue forms in my brain and I limp on.  I do need to let it go, this stuff, but it's hard.  Men in general and Irish men in particular abhor expressing raw emotion.  That's why Irishmen drink so much.  It gives you a glimpse of your emotions.  By the time you sober-up, the lid is safely back in place.