Remember, remember - you're in England, not Ohio

Mrs O and I are off on yet another mini break this weekend.  This time, it's off to Berlin.  We're flying quite early on Saturday morning, so instead of running around like a pair of rank amateurs on the morning of the flight, we've decided to spend Friday night in a hotel at Heathrow.

Another unplanned but welcome benefit of this decision is the fact that it means the hoose will be empty on the night of Halloween, which means we'll be spared the ordeal of having hundreds of children led to our front door by their easily-led parents to demand sweets.

I know the grumpy old man thing is supposed to be both effortlessly hilarious and fashionable these days, but, believe me, it's not that.  I can't stand Arthur Smith's contrived moaning any more than I can trick-or-treat.  I personally don't hate the internet, my mobile phone or ipod.  I love the ipod.  Why wouldn't I?  It allows me to bring my entire record collection to work with me.  No, my ire about Halloween is not born of my age and gender.  It's born of a hatred of Americana being blindly adopted by Britons.

Halloween used to mean fcuk-all in the UK.  This was primarily due to its proximity to Guy Fawkes Night.  That was always a much bigger deal here.  Not so any more.  Over the last 10 years or so Halloween has turned into a cross between A-level Thursday and Christmas Day.  And everyone just treats it like this is perfectly normal.  It's like schoolchildren having a prom.  We don't graduate from high school, like the Americans do, so its meaning is lost.  They have to earn a high school diploma; the prom is a celebration of that fact.  All our school children have to do is reach the age of 18; then they are forced to leave, irrespective of how well, badly or indifferently they have performed academically.  So a prom in the UK is rather like having a graduation ceremony for simply having made it to 18.  Woo hoo!  Well done, us.

I don't have the child mortality rates for the UK to hand, but I'm guessing most of our progeny make it unscathed.  Why not go the whole hog and award prizes for having a spine?  It makes as much sense.